Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
