You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
