1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
