I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
