Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
