You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm passing your future prison.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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