Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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