the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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