i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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