Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
