Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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