why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
