Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
