After last night, I could never be a politician.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
