it's not cheating when I paid for it
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
