Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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