My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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