I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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