In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
