There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
