I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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