I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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