I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Boobs speak an international language.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
