As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
