so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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