The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
