Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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