I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Where is the hickey?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
