I will die if light touches me.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
