Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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