2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
