Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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