I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
