There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
