Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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