well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
