I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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