I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
either way he was missing a nipple.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
