nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
