Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
