We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
