I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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