i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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