You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
