i would punch a child for taco bell
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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