conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm like, not good at living.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
