doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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