My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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