I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
