I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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