I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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